Is this real life?

I feel like I've been asking myself this question a lot lately. Whether its something to do with work, church or my own personal life this question has come to mind more than once. For starters, I got a raise and a promotion at work. I now make more money than I ever have in my life. Its a cool thought for 5 seconds and then I realize how pathetic it is and I'm quickly brought back to earth. I feel extremely blessed to even have a job right now though and especially one that I enjoy, for the most part. Church has been rough. Ive been working really hard at trying to make it a positive experience, but sometimes its reeeeealllllllly hard, ok 90% of the time its hard. Im not your typical mormon girl. I dont bake boys pies, I dont beg for attention, and I will make fun of you without thinking twice. I dont fit the mold in the ward and I think guys are slowly figuring that out. Ive been trying to be more social, I go to more activities, I talk to more than just the people in my little group group of friends, I promise im really trying! So believe it or not while I was at FHE, a guy came up to me and asked me on a date. I wasnt interested in him but I respected the fact that he thought I was cool enough to ask out. So I agreed and we set up a time. Skip to that night it ended up being later than planned, my fault, and so we decided to do a movie. I picked the shortest movie available due to the fact that in the 5 minute drive to the theater he punched me in the knee 3 times. As the movie begins he instantly grabs my hand. At first I was like what the heck?? But then he started rubbing my arm so I let it slide, I love that. Anywho 5 minutes later he starts rubbing my neck, creepy? Yes. Then he moves to my jawline. Even weirder?? Yes. Instantly I move my head away to let him know I dont like it. He stops... for 5 minutes. So he starts with my jawline again and he moves over to my chin. He literally starts grabbing my chin, meanwhile Im thinking in my mind, "1. Who the freak is this guy? 2. Am I being punked?? 3. Is this real life???" My head is tilted all the way over and I feel like im drowning just barely keeping my head above water. I physically took his hand and put it back in his lap. I was so close to walking out and calling my brother to come get me, thats how bad it was. Kinda funny? Yes. But at the same time seriously traumatizing. I felt violated. He even had the audacity to make a little joke about it at the end of the night. I wanted to punch him in the balls. Needless to say there wont be a second date.
Other than that life has been ok. I need to move on but I dont know where. Everyday it is becoming apparent that here is not where im supposed to be. The biggest trial for me now is figuring out where that place is.
To end this post on the bright side, I did get to see my very best friend a couple weeks ago. She was here for spring break and I came up for her brothers wedding. Unfortunately we somehow forgot to take a million pictures of ourselves while we were together, but fortunately we got one. And unfortunately it wont let me upload it. Maybe next time.

Ok Im a Fan.

Typically i'm not impressed with these sort of things. For whatever reason this one makes me happy inside, and Ive decided I would not be embarrassed in the least bit if this were my husband. So cute.

Ok I'll Give You a Chance

I'll be honest, I've never been a huge fan of David. But after seeing this I have a new found love and respect for the kid.

There are no words for 2011. Lets pray 2012 is filled with laughter, love, and a bunch of other stuff... Here's to hoping!

The Best Four Days

Well. I moved to Utah... for 4 days. It was awesome. But now I am back in Tucson. Let me explain a little.
For starters, me and my saint of a mother were packed and on the road by 7 am on a Friday. The trip started off without a hitch, we took our time and even took a small scenic detour through Sedona. We stopped for lunch and looked around the town and then went on our merry way. I think both of us were secretly surprised at how great my truck was handling it all, but neither one of us wanted to say anything to jinx it. We made it all the way to Page just fine where we stopped for gas. I filled up the truck and my mom went in for a bathroom break. But when I went to turn the truck on, nothing happened. It was the absolute worst feeling, so automatically I go to call my dad. Part of me didnt want to call him because this was exactly what he'd been talking about for the last few months. But I didnt know what else to do, so I called. Meanwhile my mom comes back and I tell her whats going on. My dad gave me a few suggestions, so I popped the hood and grabbed my tool kit he so lovingly prepared for me. As my mom is literally hitting my battery with a wrench a thousand people (mainly indians) are driving by, staring of course, but no one offers to help. Even the highway patrol guy that pulled in behind us to fill up was staring at us, and again didnt even offer to help. I was furious at this point so I made my mom go ask him for help. Anyways he ended up jumping us and the truck started right up. We went and waited for help and Wal-Mart for 10 min. before we just went to O'Reilly. We went in to ask for help and this boy walks out. Right off the bat he looks like an idiot. And about 15 min of him trying to figure out how to tell if my battery was dead or not, he confirmed my earlier theory. It was beyond hot, and I was incredibly irritated at this point, so my mom went back in and asked if someone could come help him out. Finally after forever they tell me my battery is dead. Not a big deal, its a pretty easy fix right? But as the new guy is putting my battery in he says, " I can fix your battery problem, but I cant help you with that crack in your radiator". I wanted to cry. Luckily the crack was up higher, but still it was leaking coolant faster than normal. So I went back in and bought a gallon of coolant, contemplated calling my dad, and then left that awful town. Oh and not to mention its almost 5 in the evening and were not even in Utah yet. We make it to Kanab get some gas, check coolant levels, which were perfect, make some phone calls, and we were on our way again. Everything is going great until we reach that spooky part between kanab and the highway where its just rolling hills. Its dark and me and my mom were just talking when all of a sudden a ginormous, and I seriously mean huge deer comes out of nowhere! We missed it by maybe 6 inches. I have never been more scared in my entire life. I spent the next hour on pyscho deer watch. After what felt like days we made it into Provo. It was 1 am. I was irratated, and extremely tired. Jackie ever so kindly met us outside the apartment to help unpack. The apartment however was a whole other story.
As soon as I walked in I wanted to cry. Even my mom was taken back with it. She instantly told me to relax it probably wasnt as bad as I was thinking, and I instantly told her I just wanted to go home. We unpacked everything and then I passed out. Waking up was like being stuck in a bad dream. My mom was texting me at like 7 saying she was ready to go, and that the apartment was actually worse in the daylight. I attempted taking a shower, but was sicked out and opted to wait till we got to my moms friend Margis house. Once I got showered and ready I felt a million times better. Being with Margis family was an instant mood lifter. They are the funnest bunch of people to hang out with. Jackie even met up with us all later on for lunch, and then we pretty much stayed with Margi in South Jordan for the rest of my days there. One of the days us girls went to the Branbury where I was supposed to live to see if I could by chance look at another apartment to see if it was any better. We met a girl who let us in her apartment. She lived with some freaky people! For starters one of her roomates was obsessed with dungeons and dragons. Enough said. The next one she described by saying she looked like snookie, and that she took her free tanning a little to seriously. And the final girl, literally had her cabinets under lock and key. Im not talking little diary locks, but heavy duty chains and locks. It was scary. Needless to say it wasnt exactly what I was looking for. We heard about another apartment complex and decided to go pay it a visit. The place was like a stupid mormon add. There were a bunch of kids all over the lawn playing volleyball and hanging out. I immediately wanted to live here, a group of guys asked if we needed any help and were super helpful at answering our questions since the office was already closed for the holiday weekend. It was a nice way to start off the rest of our weekend which was spent enjoying Utah and taking in all of its beauty. We ate out, had a bbq, hung out in Margis amazing backyard, watched fireworks, drove around and just enjoyed the company. Tuesday finally came which was the day my mom was supposed to fly home. We had talked about the reality of me staying the night before, put together a budget, and talked about what would happen when my truck really died. After lots of tears I decided it would be better for me to move home and save up a little more money to buy a newer car before I tried to move states.
Shout out to my mom for cancelling her flight and opting to drive home with me instead. We left that night and drove to St. George where we stayed the night, and then got up the next morning and drove the rest of the way. I think the only thing that could have topped that trip off was if my truck caught fire, which was honestly a real possibility. Not only would we be stranded, but literally everything I owned would have gone down with it. See theres silver lining in just about everything.
So now Im back in Tucson, just hanging out with my 2 best friends, mom and dad, and trying to figure out what Im supposed to do next. Life is good and has a funny way of working out. Lesson learned, its not the smartest idea to try and move states with a measly $700 in my pocket and a crappy vehicle. I'll do better next time. ha.

I hate titles

I know im 2 months behind, but I would really like to thank everyone for the kind words, phone calls, texts, emails, and comments everyone sent me regarding Shane. I really appreciated it :)
Shanes funeral was really good. (I dont know if "good" is a proper adjective to describe such an event?) His viewing was Friday and the funeral was on Saturday. It was surreal to be there. Never in a million years would I have guessed things would have turned out the way they did. But I can honestly say it was a humbling experience, it was a testimony builder for sure and Im grateful for everything I got out of it. I went to his parents house earlier in the week to talk to them. I was so nervous to go because I didnt know what to say. What can you say? But im so glad I did. I love his family and I know I recieved so much more comfort from them than I gave. They are so rock solid in the gospel, any dad who can stand up and say "I want to thank my Heavenly Father so much for blesing me", at his sons funeral is someone to be admired. Its still weird he's really gone. Theres been a couple times Ive reached for my phone to text him something before it hits me that I cant. And I still get a lump in my throat when I look at pictures of him, but it gets easier knowing he's in a better place.
I know I mentioned in a previous post that I recieved tickets to see Wicked for Christmas, and I never really talked about how excited I was for the play, but believe me I was stoked! I had wanted to see it for a while, so knowing I was going for real in a matter of weeks was exciting. Sadly my excitment for it was overshadowed by Shanes death. His funeral was scheduled for that same weekend, and I wasnt sure if I was up for seeing it. I decided to go anyways and am so glad I did. It was a nice getaway from that horrible week and the show was amazing. Im definitely hoping to go to more shows in the future, and typical I didnt take pictures.

Today has been a very blah day and I cant quite get out of the funk of it. I went to the midnight showing of Red Riding Hood last night which is part of the reason I slept until 1 today. It was almost instantanious from the point when I opened my eyes that I knew how today was going to play out. I layed in bed for another 15 minutes thinking about nothing for the most part, I just couldnt get my body to move. I finally decided to go eat which was a bad choice. I never eat right when I get up in the morning otherwise I feel gross the rest of the day. weird I know. I was supposed to get up at 10 and start studying for the math test im going to take in the morning, obviously that didnt happen. I knew I needed to start studying but instead I watched the 2 Kourtney and Kim episodes I missed, part of Somethings Gotta Give, I cleaned my room a little, added to my stupid music playlist, and I looked at every.single.picture. im tagged in on facebook. Now its 730 pm, and im only 6 questions into my study guide. awesome.
I miss my friends today. Im sure it has to do with todays mood, but i definitely feel it a little more today than usual. I miss living with my best friends. I like the constant companionship, espicially when its with someone I enjoy being around 20 hours a day. I miss laughing so hard it hurts, I havent laughed like that in a long time. I got a letter from Joey today and it made me laugh out loud. I miss him. His letter reassured me that he is indeed still one of the funniest boys I know. As I read his letter I couldnt help but wish it was the start of 2010 again. It was by far my favorite semester.

But living in the past doesnt get you anywhere now does it. To sorta counterstrike the mood I have portrayed, I have actually enjoyed being back in Tucson. I have a few friends I hang out with on a regular basis. I still have fun and I like where Im at. I got a little crazy and decided to take a couple classes at Pima to help pass the time. Despite my brothers pleas I signed up for the 2 classes he happened to be taking. He loves it :) I also got a j.o.b. It has to do a little bit with Sports and Authority. Bingo. Sports Authority. They clearly saw my passion for sports and hired me on the spot. ha. I was lucky enough to have a couple old friends working there already and they put in a good word for me. I like it so far, im just grateful to finally have a job. And without tryin to be to prestigous, I also have another job interview lined up for next week. Pray I get it. seriously. Remember when I put in job applications at Forever 21, Charlotte Russe, Childrens Place, AND Tillys and they all went nowhere? Well now that I have a job, apparently they all want me. Within the last week I have literally gotten a call from every single place asking if I wanted to interview. Its cool but would have been super nice 3 months ago when I was in desperate need! Regardless, im greatful for the oppurtunities. Wish me luck!

Shane

I met Shane the first day of my freshman year of high school. He was asleep on his desk in seminary. I was immediately attracted to him and wanted to be his friend. Sadly I don't think he felt that same initial spark. It wasn't to long before me and Shane became friends though. And before I knew it Shane was one of my best friends and would continue to be all throughout high school. We hung out all the time, talked on the phone late at night, and texted constantly.
Shane taught me how to be a little more carefree in life. He loved the lake and went with his family frequently. I was lucky enough to experience some of these trips with them. It was there that Shane patiently sat in the lake with me and taught me how to wakeboard. No matter how many times I fell or didn't listen to what he said, he'd swim the 10 ft to me, laugh, and start over. He was part of many of my firsts...
He was the one who convinced me to ditch school for the first time to go golfing instead. He called the office pretending to be my dad and then put me in the trunk of his car to sneak me out the front gates.
I was the baby of the group so everyone else turned 16 way before I did. As soon as Shane turned 16 though he told me he wanted to be the one to take me on my first date. He assured me for months that wouldn't let anyone else take me out and sure enough the day I turned 16 Shane showed up at my doorstep and took me out. I think Jonathon was supposed to come but something happened and he didn't so we went bowling with his sister and her husband. I would not have changed a thing, we had so much fun. The thing about Shane is that it didn't matter where you were or what you were doing he made everything a good time.
Shane and I also went to our first concert together. For one of his birthdays I bought us tickets to go see Fall Out Boy. He was my protective bubble the whole night, he didn't let anybody touch me. (We held hands for the first time that night :)) When we decided to leave Shane somehow convinced me to crowd surf to the very front. I dont what I was thinking when I allowed Shane and some nasty sweaty guy to throw me on top of a crowd of horny kids. Ha never again, it was a horrible idea.
And our junior year I remember waking up to 5 texts from Shane asking if I'd left for school yet, and than telling me to look at the marquee board at school. And on the way to school I got at least 2 more telling me don't forget to look!! As soon as I saw it my heart stopped. Shane had asked me to prom and I was so excited! When everyone found out, I had a thousand girls come up to me telling me how lucky I was to be going with Shane Smith. He was definitely a ladies man.(Prom '06)

Shane was also quite the prankster. I remember babysitting one night and the kids said they kept hearing knocking on the windows. I was kinda freaked out and the kids were crying so I went to shut the blinds. Right as I got to the window, Shane's face popped up and scared.me.to.death.
Him and Jonathon also had a 3 month toilet papering obsession. Every Saturday I would wake up and our front yard was covered in toilet paper. My parents got fed up and decided to plan an attack against them. One night they decided to wait outside for them. My mom was hidden under boxes in the back of my dads truck and my dad was patiently waiting on the side of our house. They both had hoses were ready to attack, they say they waited for about an hour before they gave in and went inside. So the next weekend me and my friend Katie decided to launch our own massive attack on his house. We had been stocking up on toilet paper for weeks and decided it was time. Shane was gone that night so Katie, me, my brother, my mom, her best friend Misty, and a clan of kids under 10 drove out to the Smiths house. We rocked his house, all the trees, the cactus, their boat, everything we could. It literally looked like it had snowed. The next day I went to Mexico so I didn't get to talk to Shane about it for a few days. After the trip as we were driving back into the country I turned my phone on and I saw that I had a voice mail. I went to check it knowing it was going to be Shane and assuming it was going to be him congratulating me on a job well done. It wasnt. It was Shane but he was mad. His message went something like, hey danni thanks for toilet papering my house. I had to clean it up and while I was on the latter I fell and broke my leg. Since its almost wakeboarding season I wont be able to wakeboard this summer. So uh thanks again I guess. And than he hung up. I felt AWFUL! I told my mom and we both just felt horrible. I didnt know what to do so I was gonna talk to him at school the next day to see what I could do. I had a little speech all prepared in my head, but as soon as I saw him I died. He was fine, and when he saw my face he knew he had won yet again.
The worst though was probably the infamous glue stick incident. Shane and Jonathon were the death of me in high school. In seminary one year they pinned me down and put glue stick on my lips like chap stick. How horrible right? But no matter what he did I couldn't stay mad at him for long, Shane was just to easy to love.
I was a nanny my senior year, and Shane would always come over to the house to hang out with me and the kids. The first thing he would do every time he came in was see what they had to eat, than he would help with homework and than play till he left. The kids adored him, and still every time I see them they ask for me to bring Shane over to play.
Me and Shane had our share of ups and downs in high school. I recently reread my old journals, every other page there is something about Shane. It was always either talking about how much I liked him or how I was mad at him. I think its definitely safe to say that I picked every single fight we ever got in. But no matter what the situation was Shane would always squeeze his way back into my life.
I remember when he called me while I was at school to tell me he sent in his mission papers. I was never more proud and excited for him than I was that day. He was so excited to serve and I remember him telling me he was hoping to go to Brazil because "they had the best places to hang glide." He called me the day he got his call and I rushed to his house so I could hear him open it. (You can see that post here) The spirit was so strong and I knew that Shane's mission was where he was supposed to be.
Shane served an honorable mission in Guatemala. I came to his homecoming and got to hang out with him a little at his house. The first thing he showed me was his new hang glider. (Shane and his dad were avid hang gliders before his mission and Shane literally could not wait to do it again when he got home.) After that we rode bikes up and down his driveway talking about the last two years, catching each other up in our lives. I remember asking Shane what his next step in life would be. He told me he wanted to start his family. He was so excited for it and said he couldn't wait to finally have his son, Dude Clarence Smith.
Although his life was short, I do believe Shane's mission in life was completed. And I don't think he would have chosen a different way to go out. Shane was doing something he loved and always told me he wanted to die doing something crazy.
I feel so blessed that Shane was such a huge part of my life. I feel like some of my best characteristics came from knowing him. He was such a good example to me and Ill cherish all of our memories forever.
I will always love Shane and he will continue to hold a special place in my heart.